Category Archives: decision

What’s the plan?

What do you to say to someone, who is a new acquaintance and has no idea where you come from, and thinks that she sees you as you are (how is a conversation or two enough to know a person that I will never know but yes there are exceptions), sees so much potential in you that you wonder if you know yourself at all (lasts for one shaky moment and then it passes as quickly as it had come), and wonders out loud (while you are standing right there) about what are you doing with your life. What’s the plan now? I am sick of this question and I suppose people are sick of waiting for me to figure things out.

It is in everyone’s best interest to shrug it off and run as fast from the conversation and the person in question. I will run as fast as my hypermobile joints will carry me and as long as I don’t end up in a hospital, it should be fine. On a completely unrelated note, it’s true the sure thing boat does not take you anywhere and even if you can’t run your own life, you can at least run away from it, and wallow in self pity. Till life smacks you back into place and drills some sense into your stubborn skull, beyond which there is hopefully a receptive and working brain.

An acquaintance was shocked  when I said that I had decided not to work in the field I was interested in at the moment and she took it to mean forever. Why are people so quick to jump to conclusions and worse, they think they have all the facts? It is difficult to explain the present as it is, forget about the past. It has taken years (basically all my life) to become the person I am today.

How do you explain the many false starts and disappointments? How being ill played spoilsport and took away even the will to live? They cannot be so casually dismissed and taken so lightly as people do. Words fail to communicate where and when they are needed the most.

Keeping mum is the only thing to do here since explanations will always fall short. Trust me, I have tried explaining and it serves no purpose other than making me look like a babbling idiot, frothing slightly at the mouth with a glint in my eyes (She is gone bonkers is what they believe and I do nothing to convince them otherwise). Total radio silence is sometimes the best thing.

But if you can bask in the glory of nothingness and be at peace with where you are in life, and proclaim it gleefully to the world then there is nothing better than that. Sit back and enjoy the puzzled looks on their faces as they try to reconcile what they see with what they know about your situation, and how you should feel.

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Not a damsel in distress

A snake is standing guard at the entrance ready to swallow me. If due to the fear I don’t walk on the path that leads to my destiny and allow the crippling fear to rule over me so that I am rooted to the spot, where does that leave me? The imaginary hisses in my ear bothering me so that I can’t get out of bed, fearing that under it a great big snake is waiting to snap at my ankles and that will be the end of me. 
 
Time to put my feet down on solid ground, snake or no snake, and take a step towards reclaiming my life.There will be no knight in shining armour. There is no wizard with a wand. That’s fine as I’m not  a damsel in distress anyone else can rescue. It’s only me and my wits. Bodily strength has deserted me but  still enough remains to help carry myself to the other side. Shield the feet with slippers. Pack a knapsack with essentials and start walking. It all starts with a decision to get out of the bed.
Wish you would budge Mr Snake,  and give me enough space to pass. I want to go in the direction of the road you are blocking.

Why, my little lass, you are asking for permission. My dear, if only you would have demanded, I would have let you go because that meant you had been brave enough to say what you wanted and meant it. But you are unsure my dear, hence the request. Unsure about the path you want to take. Unsure about a mere decision. Go back and ruminate on it. Come back when you are ready to fight and standby your decision. Shoo. Go.

You will find me standing guard, waiting…