To forgive or forget that is the question

Forgiveness like betrayal comes in all shapes and sizes. And you have many options at your disposal but you have to figure out how to go about it.  They are peddling instant gratification, and we are drawn to it like honey to bee, which in the long run turns out to be fatal like white sugar. And, no it won’t stop me from biting into a macaroon or eating a gulab jamun (or two) once in a while but it’s a good comparison, isn’t it? Technology for all its advantages is making our lives more complicated and giving birth to mindless drama pregnant with chaos.

One can forgive and forget, the best thing to do really. Grudges are a colossal waste of time and energy. Also, they tamper with future connections without you being aware of it because that’s the vibe you are sending out into the world. I know because I used to be a champion grudge holder and the queen of sulking. (Yes, I used to be that stupid.) The other person doesn’t have a clue or has forgotten or moved on and there you are waiting for an apology to make things right. People aren’t mind readers true but there are always signs and silence screams louder than words, or so I thought. Some people are plain stupid or they are too busy to notice or they actually don’t care. Take your pick of the reason least harmful to your ego!

One cannot forgive but still forget (a rare breed but they do exist). And as I grow older this is becoming easy for me on account of being more forgetful. You heal yourself, put a stop to the nonsense and get an apology from the person in your head by playing out different scenarios and you are done. Simple, eh? What if the person shows up again and again interfering in the healing process? Not to worry, use their stupidity obstinacy to your advantage. The more they show up, the less it bothers you. No jolts, just the reassurance that one fine day it won’t matter. In a fit of rage you might feel the need to delete or block. I won’t tell you it’s a childish thing to do because it has its benefits but it’s a waste of limited energy reserves. Along with numerous social media accounts, people now have multiple numbers and change phones like they change shoes so you can’t actually keep up (if you are like me).

One can neither forgive nor forget. Time will do your work for you so no point in losing sleep over it. (Didn’t anyone tell you that patience is a virtue? Me neither!) So many ways to deal with forgiveness. What if you are the one seeking forgiveness? Do the same rules still apply? Or do you become a hypocrite?

It is Time that holds all the cards. A change in a situation means a change in time. Your role has changed in the scheme of things because the situation itself is altered; the situation as you knew it no longer exists so how can your feelings remain the same? What happened in the past now becomes a recollection, a point of view, a sequence of events (which you may or may not remember correctly), albeit still capable of unfurling its fangs and doing some serious damage to the psyche in weak moments. But that’s expected.

Why such a need to be forgiven and forgive someone when they have not asked for forgiveness? Perhaps because in the act of seeking forgiveness some amount of healing happens and you are on the path to reclaiming a part of your soul which you thought was forever lost. Now don’t ask me about partitioning of the soul, that’s Voldemort’s domain.

I am the mistress of my own fate (you think?). But saying sorry even after a long time does matter even when it’s rejected. Even when the person says he or she doesn’t need it. In the time I have waited to be forgiven I realized I did not need their forgiveness anymore; I have forgiven myself and it was enough. Whenever I get back to people with an apology, they are usually doubtful that it is what it is – just an apology. It is not an invitation for a place in your life and certainly not a demand that you forgive me. I am doing it for myself more than you. (Yes, how selfish of me.) One common question is why now? I think the question should be why not now? We are not immortal medusae living on the earth forever. It doesn’t however mean I knew I was wrong earlier and waited all this time. If you are thinking that it means your are a bigger idiot than I thought you were.

What do you think about this forgiveness business? Do you hold grudges or let things fall into place and move along on the path of life peaceably?

One of the many lessons in adulting is accepting things for what they are and being okay with it. I am getting there, slowly.

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